this must be it

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On December 30th, I began writing some kind of reflection post for 2014. I found myself thinking of all the uncertainty that loomed at the beginning of the year, both the dread and excitement of the unknown that lay before me. But I felt so uninspired to write that kind of post. I grow weary of looking behind at what has been and even more, I am tired of discussing it. I know the future is only an illusion and to discuss the future is a dangerous thing; you trick yourself into believing you've already done something that you haven't. Future projects, future plans: once you put those thoughts into spoken words, you're suddenly patting yourself on the back for simply thinking of what you could do. 

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But what did happen in 2014? A lot. Three-hundred and sixty five days of chaos and change, and it's been everything I needed, even when I didn't want it. In January at this time a year ago, I was still living in California, with a blank slate before me and not a single plan. By February, I was crashing on the floor of a friend's place in Chicago, trying to figure out my next move and the pieces have continued to fall into place to leave me exactly where I am today. As an artist, my attitude developed and matured to leave me entering 2015 with a healthier perspective and balance. I let go of the feeling that I must be constantly creating as well as the guilt that coincides when nothing of value manifests. I focused on pouring myself into outlets that felt more natural in the moment, such as writing. I spent a great deal of time reflecting on the work of the past three years and contemplating the best way to compile and share that work. 

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For the moment I gave myself to look back at what the year was, I tried to locate the lesson of it all and what I saw staring back at me was this importance of the present moment in my own life and what the prominence of my role is in my own life. I think we all have seasons that upon reflection, weren't really ours. We showed up, we witnessed, we even participated, but we weren't leading. We handed that power to another and we became minor characters in our own lives. These aren't necessarily bad times, in fact they can be cloaked in roses, but when that season ends and you try to regain control or grasp what actually happened, it is utter chaos. It's like waking up one morning covered in cactus spines—it was for me anyway. I spent a lot of the year pulling them all out and trying to remember exactly when it was that I jumped into the brush. 

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But now it's 2015. There's certainly a spine or two lingering that I have yet to extract but they've become tolerable. And anyway, my heart is full. At this moment, I'm excited for the possibilities of the coming year. There are a lot of things on deck that I hope come to fruition. Even if they don't, I'm not sweating it because I know now what is in my hands and what pieces are dependent on others. The clarity of roles alone makes the bigger picture so much more promising and I know, regardless, that the only thing that really matters is what I am doing today. 

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